honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
why does every cop we meet know your name?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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