Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
