I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
