omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
