"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
