I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
