Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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