Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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