dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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