You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
