Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
