You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
