our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
