if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
