please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
