I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
