I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
