i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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