the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
