I got chris browned last night
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
