I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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