and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
