ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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