can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
