My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
