So drunk its hurt
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
