I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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