soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
