i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
