So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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