since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
