I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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