Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
