So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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