what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So many bounce houses so little time
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
