she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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