he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
