can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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