the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
