Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
