i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if only i could text you this smell
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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