do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
