when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
