ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
