Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
