you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
