i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
