Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Less talking, more tequila
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
