i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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