u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
