I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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