Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
it hurts more in the daytime
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
